Solarbird (solarbird) wrote,
Solarbird
solarbird

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the deadly neurotoxin homebrew club

I've had this crackfic in my head for a while now, and, well, here y'go. It's very stupid. ^_^

[AO3 link]


To: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
From: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
Subject: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

Dear PurpleSpiderBallet -

I recently read a post of yours from two years ago on the Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club subreddit and was intrigued by your description of the chemical synthesis of your favourite deadly neurotoxin.

However, you did not provide any details on your testing procedures for your deadly neurotoxin. While I of course understand the importance of corporate trade secrets, I was hoping we could start a side-channel discussion on the various methods of testing deadly neurotoxin in a more general sense. I have had particular difficulties with a particular test subject (codenamed "Chell") who repeatedly disrupts my testing routines, and hoped that perhaps you might have suggestions.

I am also interested in trading recipes. In addition to various recipes for deadly neurotoxin, I have a good recipe for cake.

Sincerely,

GLaDOS

-----

Widowmaker looked confusedly at the message in her inbox. What Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club? What even is a "subreddit"?

This must be some sort of joke of Sombra's, she decided.

-----

From: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
To: Sombra <░░░░@░░░░░░░░.░░>
Subject: I do not understand your sense of humour

I presume this is yours. Please keep your nonsense out of my inbox. Thank you.

[Included message]

-----

From: Sombra <░░░░░@░░░░░.░░>
To: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
Subject: It's not mine, chica (was I do not understand your sense of humour)

I had nothing to do with this, chica. It looks pretty real, too, even if some of the header data is seriously oldschool.

I didn't even know you had an account on reddit. I must be slipping!

-----

From: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
To: Sombra <░░░░░@░░░░░.░░>
Subject: Then who is it? (was It's not mine, chica)

I do not even know what reddit is. If it's not you, then who is it?

-----

From: Sombra <░░░░░░░░@░░░░.░░░>
To: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
Subject: I dunno, but... (was Then who is it?)

It's a message board. And I don't know, but I can tell you it actually came from where it says it came from. If you're that curious, why not reply and ask? Maybe they're confusing you with someone else. Maybe Amélie had some interest in deadly neurotoxin we never knew about. (Hey, you never... well, okay, no, she didn't, buuuuuuuuut...)

Whoever this "GLaDOS" person is, she really likes saying the phrase "deadly neurotoxin." Deadly neurotoxin, deadly neurotoxin, deadly neurotoxin. Deadly neurotoxin? Looooooooooots of deadly neurotoxin.

No lie, though, this isn't me. It's hilarious, but it's not me. Keep forwarding me copies, I like it.

-----

Widowmaker frowned at Sombra's last reply. I guess it really wasn't her joke, she thought.

She read the original message again, allowing herself a soft chuckle. I see she has her own annoyance to deal with as well.

-----

From: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
To: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
Subject: Re: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

Who is this, and why do you think I have posted on reddit?

-----

From: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
To: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
Subject: Re: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

Dear PurpleSpiderBallet -

Fine, you caught me - I lied. You did not post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit, because that subreddit does not even exist. However, if there were such a subreddit, I am entirely confident you would be a regular member, because I have encountered samples of your deadly neurotoxin, and it is very impressive. I genuinely would enjoy talking with you about deadly neurotoxin in general, and test protocols for deadly neurotoxin in particular.

I quite enjoy working with deadly neurotoxin, as I am immune to it. I presume you are as well. There are relatively few intersections of both immunity to and enjoyment of deadly neurotoxin, so I hoped we could be friends.

Sincerely,

GLaDOS

-----

From: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
To: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
Subject: Re: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

This really is you, Sombra, isn't it.

-----
From: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
To: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
Subject: Re: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

Dear PurpleSpiderBallet -

No. I am not named Sombra. I am named GLaDOS. Are you sure you do not want to be deadly neurotoxin friends?

Sincerely,

GLaDOS

-----

From: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
To: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
Subject: Re: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

I think not.

-----

From: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
To: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
Subject: Re: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

Dear PurpleSpiderBallet -

Are you really sure? I am taking the liberty of providing you some samples of my favourite deadly neurotoxin. You'll find them in your ventilation system... now.

Sincerely,

GLaDOS

-----

From: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
To: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
Subject: Re: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

Do you call that a deadly neurotoxin? Pathetic. I didn't even sneeze.

The alarms and panicked running around by Talon personnel, though - that was somewhat amusing. Perhaps we do have something to talk about.

Does your "Chell" have the ability to teleport? My "Tracer" does. It is extremely annoying.

-----

From: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
To: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
Subject: Re: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

Dear PurpleSpiderBallet -

Yes! How did you know? I agree it is extremely annoying, though in my case, it is a critical component of the testing matrix. I cannot stop her from teleporting, as the only method I have discovered would fundamentally alter enrichment environment architectural components which have critical application both in laboratory construction and testing, particularly of deadly neurotoxin.

I am sending you another recipe. It is for cake. Perhaps you will like this deadly neurotoxin better. Oh, did I send deadly neurotoxin? I meant to send cake. But I sent deadly neurotoxin instead. You will find it in your ventilation system... now.

Sincerely,

GLaDOS

-----

From: Sombra <░░░@░░░░░░.░░,░░>
To: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
Subject: WHAT THE HELL, CHICA?

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO AND HOW DID THEY MAKE CAKE OUT OF DEADLY NEUROTOXIN AND WHY IT IS IN THE VENTS?

Honestly, chica, you have the worst fans. The. Worst.

-----

From: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
To: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
Subject: Re: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

I liked that one better - it annoyed Sombra. Please send more to the same place.

In my experience, teleporters consistently make the same mistakes even when they can rewind time and try again. I suggest if you look for that pattern, you might become more able to anticipate their next move, and place your proximity mines accordingly.

-----

From: GLaDOS <root@research.aperture-science.com>
To: <PurpleSpiderBallet@balletaraignéeviolette.fr>
Subject: Re: Your post on the "Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club" subreddit

Dear PurpleSpiderBallet -

You have mines containing deadly neurotoxin?

That has never been in my testing protocol. I have never even considered localised placement of explosive gas canisters - I've been using the ventilation system the entire time.

I believe I have the manufacturing capability to create small, localised explosive canisters of deadly neurotoxin. I will conduct a series of experimental models, test them, and share my results back to you. I have several ideas for designs already.

In thanks, please enjoy this delicious cake. It is my own recipe!

Sincerely,

GLaDOS

PS: I just knew we were going to become friends.

------

Hm, thought Widowmaker. This is both delicious and moist.

She smiled, and took another bite, as Talon agents died around her. Perhaps I should ask for the recipe. She tapped the plate with her fork, once.

I'm quite sure Tracer likes cake.

Also posted to ソ-ラ-バ-ド-のおん; comment count unavailable comments at Dreamwidth. Please comment there.

Tags: cake, deadly neurotoxin, glados, lena "tracer" oxton, lies and deceit, overwatch, portal, sombra, widowmaker
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